1990 CyberFluor Christmas Songs

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Customer Care is Coming to Town

Sung to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

Written by Diana DiTomaso, Diane Warnarr, and Paul Colford 1990

Production better watch out, don't be sly,
Write it all down, we're telling you why,
Customer Care is coming to town.

Diane's making a list and checking it twice,
She's going to find out which lots are nice,
Customer Care is coming to town.

She'll find components that are missed,
She'll know all your release results,
She'll log the kits that are bad or good,
So make them right for goodness sake!

Now! You'd better do right,
Make better CVs,
No more complaints we're telling you why,
Customer Care is coming to town.

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Diana the PM

Sung to tune of "Frosty the Snowman"

Written by Diana DiTomaso, Diane Warnarr, and Paul Colford 1990

Diana the Salesrep was a very happy soul,
'Til one day Paul called and enticed her here
And made MDS her goal.

TSH at MDS was a fairy tale they say,
It was just a wish but now Abbott knows
how it was brought to life one day,

There must have been some magic
In Diana's EuroFluor S,
For when she put it in the wells
It fluoresced from all around.

Oh! Diana the PM was as happy could be,
For MDS is hers and its there we'll stay,
and we'll make lots of money.

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It Came Upon a Wooden Skid

Sung to the tune of "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

Written by Graham Wilson and Rob Rothwell 1990

It came upon a wooden skid,
  With carton all aglow.
They said that they had fixed it up,
  But now the laser's too low.

The wellmap's wrong, the keypad's screwed,
  The screen's gone bad some how.
The thyratron still won't work,
  We need a new model now!

It left upon the wooden skid,
  The carton's been thrown out.
We'll see it back this time next year,
  When the warranty's gone, no doubt!

(second verse)

The 615 is poorly built,
  (With Scintrex that just is our fate).
We're working with a flash lamp now,
  But is it too little, too late?

(second verse)

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O FIAgen

Sung to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"

Written by the CyberFluor Christmas Committee 1990

O FIAgen O FIAgen
You're to be a first class kit.
O FIAgen O FIAgen
The correlation's a perfect fit.

You are our babe
We developed you.
When you're the best
Production fails you.

O FIAgen O FIAgen
When will you be a perfect kit

O FIAgen O FIAgen
You must compete with all the rest.
O FIAgen O FIAgen
Your plate CV's are not the best.

Marketing demands
While Admin restricts.
The kits returned
We're told to fix.

O FIAgen O FIAgen
Will you pass at MDS.

O FIAgen O FIAgen
The customers should be impressed
O FIAgen O FIAgen
You can make us so depressed

The tracer's changed
The antibody too.
The kit should pass
But Production staff's new

O FIAgen O FIAgen
When will your problem be guessed.

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Pauly the Salesman

Sung to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman"

Written by Peter T. 1990

Pauley the salesman was a jolly happy soul,
With a monogrammed shirt and an audi car
And a pen make out of gold.
Pauley the salesman is a legend customers say,
He was made of silk but Tamara knows
How he came to life one day.
There must of have been some magic
In that label R&D found,
For when MDS came on board,
Paul began to dance around.
Oh, Pauley the salesman was alive as he could be
If he'd only submit his expenses on time
He'd be the same as you and me.

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Production Team

Sung to tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

Written by CyberFluor Christmas Committee 1990

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
We're telling you why
The Production Team is coming to town

We're making a list
And checking it twice
We're gonna find out
Who's naughty or nice
The Production Team is coming to town

We see you when you're meeting
We know when you're irate
We know when the kit is bad or good
So listen for goodness sake

So - when we test the plates
The C.V.'s are lame
Medix screwed up
Production gets the blame
Production is the scapegoat again

They want some new components
The latest lots they say
THey couldn't tell us yesterday
They want them right away

Or - they want new kits
That must be complete
They told this morning
THey want it next week
Marketing is demanding again

So when the kits are failing
Find out who did the test
The radio's on
Our brains are gone
Out of forty tests pick the best

(Slow)
So - we like our team
We know we're swell
We work real hard
And our kits will sell
The Production Team is here to stay!

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Production Wonderland

Sung to tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Written by Denise ?? and June ?? 1990

Timers ring, are you listening
In the lab, frost is forming
We are working away, the hours each day
Working in a frosty production lab

Gone away is the flashlamp
Here to stay is the laserlamp
Which reads our plates wrong
But we carry one
Working in a Production Wonderland

On the lab bench we can pass a test
If only those darn plates wouldn't fail
Now we're using experimental trials
But even if they pass, they're still not for sale

Later on, in a meeting
We'll complain about the heating
Peter says use less wear
We'll say that's no fair
To work in a Production Wonderland

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Ring! Ring! Ring!

Sung to tune of "Jingle Bells"

Written by Debbie Abdool, Iris Wu, Jim Clelland, and Vicki ?? 1990

Dashing through the halls
In a panic every day
O'er the lab we go
Cursing all the way

Bells on telephone ring
Distracting us all day
Oh what hell it is to work
Disturbing us this way

Oh,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Ringing all the day
Oh what help it would be
If they'd answer right away
Oh,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Ringing all the day
Oh what joy it will be
When a receptionist is here to stay

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Silent Jim

Sung to tune of "Silent Night"

Written by the CyberFluor Christmas Committee 1990

Silent Jim. Quiet Paul.
All is calm but who did call?
Round yon meeting, litle is said.
They're so rare, there's a five month spread.
Sleep in uncertain peace.
Sleep in uncertain peace.

Flash lamp. Holy light.
All is bright but is it right?
Round yon instrument, fingers are crossed.
How's the CV's? Oh what a cost.
Jim won't sleep tonight.
Jim won't sleep tonight.

TSH kit. Sensitive kit.
Production passed. Samples fit.
Round yon Tecan, at MDS.
Does it perform and beat Annie's test.
We are under stress.
We are under stress.

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Social Time

Sung to tune of "Jingle Bells"

Written by the CyberFluor Christmas Committee 1990

Its month end pretty soon
What game will we play
On Friday afternoon
We'll be laughing all the way

Jim reads Scottish poems
While Peter does his tricks
Oh what fun it is to sing
While guitar Astrid picks.

Oh! Social Time. Social Time.
Let's party with our friends
Pass the chips and drink some beer
Until the hour ends. Heh!
Deal the cards. Draw the pictures.
What is that? A car?
Grab the pencil instead of spoons
Then guess ten busty stars

Its time for Hallowe'en
Dressed in costumes for some fun
We're playing in a team
The Greek team has just won

Javad's wearing a skirt
There's a Roman and some grapes
Paul is horny, Jenny's a sucker
Blind mice and a rabbit who's late.

Oh! Social Time. Social Time.
A fun time for us all.
Pass the chips and drink more beer
And chatter one and all! Heh!
Pipettes down. Computers off.
The lunchroom we will meet.
Have some pop or have some whine
Then hit the GO train beat.

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We are Marketing for CyberFluor...

Sung to tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

Written by Diana DiTomaso, Diane Warnarr, and Paul Colford 1990

We saw sales on the Backorder list
Waiting for Javad and Peter M.
To approve their sexy curves
To OK their high backgrounds
To release some inventory
To accounts that we have found

We would like to release new products
To Distributors that are on our tails,
We give them new due dates
But R&D is always late
So out kits go without inserts
And IFCI gets irate

We wish T4 was a perfect test
So we could get Uptake kit sales as well
Shaped like a hockey stick
Each new curve deviates
How can we increase marketshare
When standards fluctuate?

We know competitors will automate
And Customers want total Walk-away
8 minutes hCGs
Super-sensitivity
Test menus must exapnd
Or we'll be left with empty hands.

We call Rob for smoking 615s
But he has other priorities too
The shaker waddles away
Washers flood the plates and bench
Which year will we sell products
That are really defect-free?

We are famous for our chelator
But lately everyone knows our laser.
Fisher buys a new product
Power-on and then they're stuck.
They'll return inventory
Once again the same old story.

We could like walls in our offices
And doors with total pri-va-cy.
We could talk on our speakers
And no one would ever know
Who we spoke to on our last phone call.

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